• I love Barkley. “No offense, but they need someone other than Carlos Arroyo at point guard.” Translation: No offense, but I’m about to get REALLY fuckin’ offensive just about now!
• Trying to taunt a Heat fan right now would be like trying to tell my brother I can hit a baseball farther than him? “Oh, really? I don’t care. Let’s do something else!”
• Mainstream Media in July: The Heat are going to win 73 games!!!
Mainstream Media in October: How come the Heat lost the first game!?!?
• Annnnnnnd, it’s time for Riley to assume the head coaching position. Spoelstra has family issues. “But my entire family was killed in a car accident 25 years ago, Pat!”
• What was the key to holding Miami to 9 points in the 1st quarter? “Hope that they take a bunch of ill advised 3 point shots and not drive to the basket.”
• Doc Rivers: Now, I’m not going to make excuses because we know — Oh. We won? “We won! We won! Um,
unfortunately, because I bet on the other team, heh, we won’t be going for pizza.” Simpsons Reference #2.
• Steve Kerr: The only reason the Celtics won is because these Boston fans are trashed.
• Love the unselfishness of LBJ. When the Heat need to score — pass to Eddie House.
• Boston fans chanting “Overrated” while Celtic shooting FT’s. They just — don’t get it!
• Just because the Celtics need to kill the clock, doesn’t mean it’s too late for KG to make an illegal screen.
• Ray Allen mama sighting! As much shit as I give her, that glitter jersey is pretty cute.
• Daryl Morey statistics show that when in doubt, leave Ray Allen wide open for a 3. He’s a dribble-driver for sure.
• “This game would be a steal!” “A theft!” A robbery! /Fun with Peter King’d
• Jesus. A little more enthusiasm for a close contest, TNT? I thought I had a Joe Buck game on. Zing!
• KG shooting FT’s late in the game. Do you think when he visits Africa and witnesses a witch doctor getting a blowjob from a baby to “cure himself of AIDS” he’ll think his little postgame mindgames would be considered a bit much?
• What’s going to be the headline on ESPN’s Heat Index tomorrow? My prediction: 9/11 Part 2!!!
• Derrick, my friend: Boston fans chanting “Overrated!” during a Celtics possession?
• I want to be inside of Coco. Oops. How do I delete this?
• “Goddammit, just show us your cock already, Ken Jeong!” – Horny 13 year old Laotian chick
• Steve Kerr is like a calmed down, slightly more articulate, and shyer version of Walt Clyde Frazier. So — he’s nothing like Frazier.
• Publius: Wow, the Heat should be down 15 — that’s how good LeBron is. Bogner: …Dude. They’re down 13.
• Why are you live blogging? “You’re spaghetti and Moe’balls are getting cold!” Simpsons Reference #1
• Paul Pierce shouting out “C’mon, man!” Keyshawn Johnson’s lawyers are on the horn.
• How many technical FT’s is that for the game? No, seriously. Someone please tell me.
• Riles was super psyched to bring back Udonis Haslem so he could consistently miss 6 foot shots all night. BOS 73, MIA 64.
• Postgame Entertainment: Afternoon T-Storms
• Nobody makes an occasional big play and lets the entire world know about it like Paul Pierce.
• Oh man. I can feel that Italian sausage wanting to make an exit. Would you guys mind DVRing the fourth quarter, and resuming when I get back? Don’t be gay.
• Recent trend in sports I hate: I’m going to boast about how my fanbase is so classy! Fuck off.
• Derrick, my friend: I thought they might stop showing that Girardo/Rivera Taco Bell commercial once the Yankees were out of the playoffs.
• Eddie House is suuuuuuuch a bitch! When can he suit up in Purple & Gold?
• Who’s jokes are easier to see coming a mile away? Doc Rivers or Jimmy Fallon? “Brad, Jimmy’s trying really hard!!!”
• Most unrealistic part about the UNSTOPPABLE trailer? Chris Pine wearing a wedding ring.
• Boston Fans: I’m pretty sure our players are allowed to kill LeBron. I mean, did you SEE “The Decision”!?!?
• Get a load of this guy!
• Paul Pierce NBA Cares Commercial: I’m not going to say I’m ENTIRELY responsible for the children I help in the inner cities succeeding. [Laughs] But I’m a pretty big fucking deal!
• Citi ad rubbing it in just how much it sucks to be a Mets fan. Nice touch.
• Erik Spoelstra: I’m not going to make excuses. But seriously! You expect us to play without Mike Miller till January!?!?
• It’s unfortunate a human being has to show up to work on the set of “Two and a Half Men” in order to fund an alcoholic and cocaine addiction. Oh, and escorts. “We’re like regular hookers, but we have a website!”
• Pierce keeps moving his feet on defense. They’ll call blocking everytime. Did I just defend LBJ? /ducks couch
• How long before this gets within four points? 10 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. BOS 55, MIA 43.
• Marv Albert is sucking on some Lifesavers to get that beautiful voice ready for a stirring Miami comeback.
• You might call me a hater, but that does not extend to Tony Scott. Unstoppable, in theaters everywhere November 12th!
• I cooked too much Italian food for dinner. Is this a subtle way of me saying I want to give leftovers to a chick I have unrequited love for? Makes sense.
• Rondo already has 11 assists. How many would Cousy have in today’s game? 30+ a game? I like hyperbole.
• Can we please put a moratorium on all the BUT MIAMI DIDN’T GET A CHANCE IN PRE-SEASON TO PLAY TOGETHER MUCH! Boston has a guy with staples in his knee, Shaq, Nate Robinson, and Doc Rivers with a dry erase board.
• MIA strategy so far: Drive to the hoop, initiate contact, get the foul called, miss the FT’s.
• After these messages — we’ll be riiiiiiiight back! Oh. 3rd quarter starting now.
• Halftime Entertainment: Brock Lesnar the latest internet meme (Sent by Fah Daddy).
• Charles Barkley got pulled over for drunk driving, and upon the police asking him where he was headed said, “Right around the corner to get a blow job.” Love that guy.
• The only thing this “Glory Daze” tv trailer reminds me about college is how many Icelandic models I bagged. Really.
• Shaq:Clean Shaven::Larry David:Full Head of Hair
• “Here’s something I noticed in the first half. The most aggressive defensive team the past three seasons, is not making it easy for Miami to score.”
• Should I be using this space to update you on my recent bowel movements?
• BOS 45 MIA 30 at the half. Proving the old wives tail that “If you take 3 superstars and surround them with 9 terrible players and an inexperienced head coach — you might struggle at times” is apt.
• “Boston coaches are telling me that they love Shaq because he fouls hard.” Brad Miller disagrees.
• “Kevin McHale doesn’t want to hear what we have to say!” So he can listen to me. Remember when you signed Joe Smith to an illegal contract and ruined your executive career?
• Did you guys know Juwan Howard made over a $100MM in his career? [Insert 3rd world issue that chicks love to blab about here]
• Shaq made a FT and the crowd went apeshit. Gotta love that fan reaction. Only would happen in Boston. Nobody else deserves basketball.
• Bosh cut his hair and now sucks a la Samson. Oh wait. He always sucked.
• Terrible pass. Player X is a total asshole.
• It’s October 26, 2010 and Wall-E is still a totally overrated film.
• If Miami gives opponents wide open dunks and 3’s they might only win 75 games. /Van Gundy’d.
• Did you know Ray Allen was in a movie?
• Friend just told me Marv called out Kerr. Missed it.
• Under Armor ad featuring similar music to Inception. I will now spend $10,000. Ad executives are retarded.
• Assistant coaches are now T’d up whenever they disrespect the officials. These guys do rig the NBA after all.
• Erik Spoelstra looks like an attorney on a bad drama series on USA.
• Slam Dunk Champion Nate Robinson going for the wide open layup.